Bullying at school: Tools for parents

Our child is being bullied at school, what do we do?

School should be a place where our children feel safe, where they feel protected, loved, respected and listened to. Seeing them return home in tears, after being bullied by other students may cause any parent to feel completely helpless.

This may be hard to swallow, but our children's schools may not be where they feel safe. How can we change this? What can we do to bring bullying to an end?

The most important thing we can do is always be attentive. As the conversation begins, keep your ears open for signs or listen attentively to what your child tells you. Be sure to ask him questions and control your emotions. Do not confuse bullying with the little squabbles children may have. Remain objective and ask your child to relay the facts just as they took place. This will help you to have a clear idea of what is happening.

Firstly, I advise all parents whose children are being bullied to inform the school or a member of staff whom they trust. You may feel as though you are bothering them. You may also fear that you are harming your child.

However, ignoring the incident will do no justice to your child. In fact, by notifying the right people of the situation, you are playing a part in ensuring a healthy, safe school environment where harmonious relationships can flourish. It is essential that the school knows that children are being bullied. When you go to the school (or call the school, depending on how comfortable you are with the situation), state the facts objectively, name the witnesses if there are any, name the bully, discuss how your child felt about the incident and say what you would like for the school to do. Develop a trusting connection with school staff by stating your fears and reaffirming your expectations.

By pointing out the incident, the results you hoped for may not be seen immediately. But do not give up. Be persistent, go to the school, continue to inform them of the situation until action is taken. Together with members of the staff, make sure that the situation is being monitored. Ask the school how you can help them in implementing concrete action. Be a role model in communicating with other school community. Maintain your desire to improve the situation and to restore a safe environment for your child.

Do not insinuate that the school does nothing against bullying. This is a sensitive subject within the school context and the school is aware of the problem. However, it is important to understand that it can be very difficult to intervene in this type of situation. Firstly, because simply punishing the bully may not have the expected outcome.

The best approach is to intervene systematically. This means that the school must put a system in place where all elements work in concert, both internally and with the community, parents and all adults. This will not be achieved overnight.

One of the things that is mentioned in studies on bullying is the importance of working on social skills, both those of the bully and the victim. Therefore, I suggest that parents do activities with their children, so they can work on these skills. Learning to make friends, to choose good ones, to affirm themselves, is difficult. But when our parents work with us to improve these abilities, it is much easier. Suggest that all those involved in the incident receive the adequate support in developing their interpersonal skills. The bully would gain by learning to use his leadership skills in a way to include other young people by developing his empathy. The witnesses would gain by realizing their power to change things and by refusing to treat one of their counterparts unjustly by clearly affirming their position against bullying. And the victim would learn to affirm and protect himself by reporting troubling situations.

If your child is being bullied, it is important to remember that he needs your support, your attention and your comfort. You must intervene and report what happened, but you must also trust his school environment. Surround yourself with positive and caring people and make sure that you child is also surrounded by positive influences.

Bullying is a problem of relationships and it can only be solved when those involved learn to form positive ones. Together, we can put an end to bullying.

To be continued…